Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Welcome to My Story - The Beginning

My story is a story about an unremarkable girl who was born into an unremarkable family in an unremarkable town. My life, at the very beginning, was highly unremarkable. I ate, and slept, and grew, and ate, and slept, and grew.

As a young child, I was taught that everything I wanted to have, I would have to work for; this world was the world that mattered, and this life was the one that counted. I was the only one who had control of my life, and my success or failure would be dependent on me alone. It was an unremarkable philosophy that many have heard, and many continue to live by.

I learned that success was defined by straight A's, good looks, and behaving for my parents. Since I was a chubby little girl with an unremarkable appearance, the message quickly sent to me was that I would never be good enough in the looks department, so I should really invest more time in my brains and my behavior. I believed with all my little heart that even though I was unremarkable, my success in this life was only going to come if I brought home perfect grades and was obedient to my folks. Since I was homely and plump, my looks were going to be useless to me. Improving my lot was going to be dependent on this unremarkable little girl getting a good education and eventually, a good job. It was all up to me. I was the captain of my own soul.

So how does an unremarkable girl go about creating her success? I began to pour myself into my books. I studied hard and read a lot, and put an immense amount of pressure on myself to perform well in school and at home. When my efforts finally yielded fantastic grades report card after report card, my pride and motivation were increased; when my parents got compliments about what a great kid I was, that became my reinforcement. Of course, nobody noticed the insecurity, rejection, and loneliness I experienced from being and feeling unremarkable, and from bearing so pressure and weight much on my young shoulders; I was good at masking it and quite frankly, it was up to me in the end anyway, so what could anyone else really do?

As you have undoubtedly figured, Jesus Christ did not fit into this equation that was my understanding of life. My young eyes did not look to anything beyond this world, nor did I even consider it worth much of my time. Sure, I knew "God" existed, whoever He was, but that meant nothing to me, to the work I would have to invest in my schooling, and to the rejection I felt in my heart for being an unremarkable little person.

Even as I was dragged to Sunday School, I had no awareness or desire to seek out the bearded man on the colouring page or in the pictures hanging on the wall of the church. Who was this Jesus Christ? I didn't care. He could have been fictional or real - it made no difference to me, because I controlled my life, and any success I could garner was the result of unremarkable me earning it, and it was up to me alone.

Of course, then I hit junior high and everything changed...


Natalie said...

what an adorable little girl!

Wobbly*Bits said...

What a great story! However I must say, if that is a picture of you, you're far from unremarkable, that's darling!

(not trying to jinx anything, but I think I'm able to comment as "myself" again...)

Mrs. Loquacious said...

=D Yeah, I was cute up to the age of 3. Then I hit the oogly phase of my life and that lasted until Gr. 9. ;)